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Written by Cosma Papouis   
Thursday, 15 July 2010 14:01

Texas Chili Cookoff

 

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true

this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes

around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City

Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was 
visiting

from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili 
cook-off.

The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be

standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light

truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native

Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me 
I

could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. "Here are the 
scorecard

notes from the event:

*****************************************************

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could 
remove

dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I

hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw 
the

look on my face.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like 
I

have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more 
beer

before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the

front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or 
other

mild foods not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look

HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

*****************************************************

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit 
the

cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can

no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed 
paramedics.

The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me

brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly 
on

it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses 
me

off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices

and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that 
Sally.

Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili

peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about 
Judge

# 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I 
wouldn't

feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is 
made

of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out 
of

my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the

autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's 
too

painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll 
just

suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold 
but

spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor 
hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell

over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going

to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 -- No report.  Judge was taken to the Emergency Room to get his

stomach pumped, and to find an emergency donor for a human tongue.

 

 

 

 

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Last Updated on Thursday, 15 July 2010 14:47
 

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