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If God Had Meant For Us To Fly PDF Print E-mail
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Written by Cosma Papouis   
Thursday, 26 August 2010 15:09
If God Had Meant For Us To Fly . . .
Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a 
butterfly zooms by, startling them.
One turns to the other and says:
"Boy, you'll never get ME up in one of those things."
&~&~&~&
Vigilant Homeland Security Pays Off
At the Austin Bergstrom Airport today, an individual later
discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested
trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
protractor, a T-square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John
Ashcroft said:
"The man is a member of the notorious ‘al-gebra’
movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction."

Ashcroft went on to say further that:
"’Al-gebra’ is a fearsome cult! They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off
on tangents in a search of absolute value."
Pausing for a moment, the Attorney General continued with:
"They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval
with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer
Isosceles used to say;
'There are 3 sides to every triangle'
."

&~&~&~&
Which End is Edible?
A very prim lady goes into a specialty butcher shop and is quietly viewing the displayed cello wrapped cuts. While she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's display counter.
Not recognizing the particular cut, she asks the butcher: "What in the world is that?"
Smiling broadly, the butcher replies:
"Beef tongue," 

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder and exclaims: "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into
the woman's shopping cart. Then with a big grin, he remarks:
"I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"
&~&~&~&
Terrorist Proof Airline
The only Terrorist-Proof Airline in the business where 
we can absolutely guarantee no WALK-ON GUNS, KNIVES, BOX CUTTERS, SHOE-BOMBS or other Weapons carried onto OUR FLIGHTS !

Yes, here at NAKED AIRLINES we care about SAFETY 
- AND IT SHOWS.

&~&~&~&
Abby in Her Prime Time Years

Dear Abby:

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a
social worker in her mid-twenties.

These two women go everywhere together and I've never
seen a man go into their apartment or come out.

Do you think they could be Lebanese?
&

Dear Abby:

What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and
violence on my VCR?
&

Dear Abby:

I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much.
I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
&

Dear Abby:

I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has
been on the pill for two years.

It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough
to discuss money with him.
&

Dear Abby:

I suspected that my husband had been fooling around,
and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied
everything and said it would never happen again.
&

Dear Abby:

Our son writes that he is taking Judo.

Why would a boy who was raised in a Good Christian
home turn against his own?
&

Dear Abby:

My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $260
an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

&

Dear Abby:

Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little
gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he
did it.

&

Dear Abby:

My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is
going through her mental pause.

&

Dear Abby:

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest
in sex to send him to a doctor.

Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he
is a doctor.

&~&~&~&
Hey, when you're pressed for time!
Cat food Kills
A woman is enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends one day when suddenly she stopped and announced:
"Oh, No! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time."
When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is some wilted lettuce, an egg, and a can of cat food.
In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg and garnishes it with a lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.
She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner. With a big grin, He says:
"Darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified.
They exclaimed:
"You're going to kill him!"
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around when one of them said:
"You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife replied:
"I didn't kill him. He broke his neck when he fell off the window sill while licking his ass."
&~&~&~&
Parrot Welcome Wagon
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted 
a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage 
that said $50.00. So, she asked the pet store owner: 
"Why so cheap?" 


The owner looked at her and said:
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." 

The woman thought about this, but decided she had 
to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the 
bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say 
something. 

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and 
said:
"New house, new madam." 

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought to herself;
"that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school 
the bird saw them and said: 
"New house, new madam, new girls." 

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then 
began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home 
from work. 

The bird looked at him and said:
"Hello  Keith."

&~&~&~&
Dead?

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having 
just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes 
her hand and she responds:
"Don't touch me."

"Why not?"

She answers back:
"Because I'm dead."

The husband says:
"What are you talking about? 
We're both lying here in bed together and talking 
to one another."

She says:
"No, I'm definitely dead."

He insists:
"You're not dead. What in the world makes 
you think you're dead?"

"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
&~&~&~&
Heart-Warming Cure for CANCER
I got an email from an old buddy of mine stating that he'd
finally cured his cancer. I wasn't even aware he suffered from same, so immediate It got him on the horn to ask what regimen or meds did he use, WAS THERE SURGERY, who was his Doc, etc


He replied he hadn't consulted a Doc, just his lawyer!

He said:
"I finally got a divorce!"

&~&~&~&
Puny Work History
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, 
but I got canned! I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but 
I just couldn't hack it; so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't 
suited for it; mainly because it was a sew-sew job. 
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that 
was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a 
little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I 
sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually 
I found I wasn't noteworthy enough.
I studied a long time to become a doctor. Unfortunately,
I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just 
didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered 
that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
I finally got a job as a historian,
until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had 
to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED.

 

 

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