Bottoms Up Print
User Rating: / 15
Written by Cosmic   
Wednesday, 27 April 2011 12:32

Bottoms Up!

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.


A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a
lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly
through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in
a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really
hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,


I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product
called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never
allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.


I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.


Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance
with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth,
which is basically water, only with less flavor.


Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together
in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar
with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the
whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being
kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon... T
he instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor,
state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'


This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact
with the ground.


MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever
seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as
the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend
several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink
another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the
future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.


After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.


The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was
I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts
of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize
to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.


At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally
agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full
of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took
off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts,
the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you
are actually naked..


Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I
would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie
also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked
off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you
got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around
in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house..


When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist . I did not see the 17,000-foot
tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous
at this point.


Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking
something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and
I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of
all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen'
had to be the least appropriate 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
somewhere behind me.


'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than
a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in
explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing
Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the
other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and
asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me
that It was all over and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been
prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies. Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments
during the exam were quite humorous!!!!! A physician claimed that the following are
actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing
their colonoscopies:


1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'


And the best one of all:


13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'




This site and the associted Mailing list are brought to you free of charge.

If you like it and would like to assist us to bring you more content please consider donating at...




Or let other people know about us..

Bookmark and Share






Last Updated on Wednesday, 27 April 2011 12:36